Protean Therapy

Are you picking up more than your fair share of the tab? Are you practicing more than your portion of the active listening? Is your friend saying one thing to you and another thing behind your back? If yes, you may not have a great friend.

Paradoxical Appearances

How do you know who your friends are? They’re nice. They talk and hang out with you. You enjoy similar things. Is that it?

No. Some things are as they appear. Others aren’t. But you may intuit the difference.

Tolkien (2004/1954) captures this human paradox in his book The Lord of the Rings:

Frodo: “You have frightened me several times tonight, but never in the way that servants of the Enemy would, or so I imagine. I think one of his spies would—well, seem fairer and feel fouler, if you understand me.”

Aragorn: “I see… I look foul and feel fair. Is that it?”

Appearances can be deceiving. Actions and time ultimately tell the difference between real and fake friends. Beware of halos.

Disregarded Halos

The halo effect occurs when “…an impression formed from a single trait or characteristic is allowed to influence multiple judgments or ratings of unrelated factors” (Neugaard, 2025). In this conversation Frodo is using his moral intuition to override Aragorn’s unattractive appearance. Most people who fall for the halo effect do the opposite.

Are your best friends…

(1) …fair, even if they don’t look/feel fair?

Your friends may not look good. They might not feel good. But they will always be good, for you (i.e. treat you fairly).

(2) honest, even if they don’t want to be?

Friends are truthful even when it hurts. Emotionally intelligent friends will deliver painful truths with tact and grace. But all real friends practice mutual transparency. Their honesty will be equal to or greater than your own.

(3) harmless, even when rude or crude?

Your friends won’t just be polite over time. They will routinely fail to hurt you. A true friend’s words may sometimes be harsh, but they will almost always be helpful.

Disregard the halos. Focus on the actions. Are they fair? Are they honest? Are they harmless? If you run these tests, you will see that some of the people you are closest to check all three. Some do not…

From Good Friends to Good People

Now, your friend may not be other people’s friend or even your future friend. But a truly good person will routinely fail to hurt anyone and everyone, not just their friends. Good people actively avoid harmful actions.

These people are exceptionally rare. If you ever find them, tell no one. Spend as much time with them as possible. These are the people who would catch a grenade or jump in front of a car for you. Treat them better than royalty. You will not regret it.

“We who have come back, by the aid of many lucky chances or miracles—whatever one may choose to call them—we know: the best of us did not return” (Frankl, 1946, p. 21).

A person of high character is recognized by the absence of bad character over time. The less evidence of harmful actions, the higher confidence the integrity of the individual. The shadow proves the sunshine.

From Good People to Good Communities

If you want to understand what is true about the world, think about how you understand what is true about your friends. Don’t just look for evidence that they’re helping you. Look for the absence of evidence that they’re hurting you. And look for this absence in their relationship with everyone, not just you. Then you’ll have a better understanding of who everyone, not just you, can trust.

From Communities/People/Friends to You

Are you mooching your fair share of the tab? Do you avoid your portion of the active listening? Are you saying one thing to your friends and another thing behind their backs? If yes, you may not be a great friend.

Sources:

Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press.

Neugaard, B. (2025, April 5). halo effect. Encyclopedia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/science/halo-effect

Tolkien, J. R. R. (2004). The Lord of the Rings: 50th anniversary edition. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. (Original work published 1954)